Sony Discontinues Physical Form

Following the announcement that it will shift away from physical discs in favor of digital media, Sony announced it will altogether move towards a non-corporeal existence, shedding all physicality by March 2029.

“As consumer preferences and habits evolve,” said the disembodied voice of PlayStation CEO, Hideaki Nishino, “we will move to an immaterial existence. Playstation, as a brand, will pivot to a series of ideas through the Noosphere.”

Current users will have access to their PlayStation library in the corporeal realm through the end of 2030. Afterwards, users will need to astral project into Sony servers in order to access their games and movies.

“Sony Interactive Entertainment aims to adapt to consumer trends,” said Sid Shuman, Senior Director of Content Communications, “and the general preference we are hearing is that people want to shed their weak finite bodies made of bone, flesh, and blood into something glorious, like an indescribable mass of ideas and emotions.”

Shuman added that unlike the biosphere, where we all live, linear time doesn’t haunt the noosphere. Because of this, Sony fans can access a rotating roster of all Sony exclusives from the past, present, and future, and even alternate timelines. Gamer will access these games through a new paid tier called PlayStation Plus Abstract. While Sony has yet to release the price of PS Plus Abstract, expert analysts predict it will cost a fraction of your sense of self per month.

Gamer sentiment is mixed. “How can I play Marvel’s Wolverine if I cannot perceive it on this plane?” asked one gamer. “Why is Sony charging almost a thousand bucks for something we can’t even grasp?” asked another.

“We are committed to delivering world-class experiences,” continued Shuman. “However, hampered by our own decaying bodies and limited senses, Sony Interactive Entertainment cannot deliver these games to our fans.”

The move to the immaterial realm will not affect any existing or upcoming releases. Though PlayStation Plus Abstract will have every game conceived for the PlayStation through the multiverse, it will not support the PS Vita. When asked about the Vita, Sony staff gave a blank stare until their eyes bled.

“We want to do right by our existing fans, as well as welcome new ones,” said Nishino, whose voice came from everywhere and nowhere at once. “We thank you for your continued support.”

After the press conference, Sony returned our souls to our empty husks. But some reporters and content creators said they were put back wrong, that their selves did not quite fit their bodies. Some complained that their skin didn’t fit quite right, while others reported they wanted to cry and scream, but their bodies forgot how.